I absolutely LOVE the song "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. I admit that it is not only on my iPod but also on my cell phone as a friend's ringtone. I LOVE it. The lyrics so fit me too...

I remember when, I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And I hope that you are
Having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice

Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them

Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little
It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

 

Well, to be honest...I AM crazy!! Seriously!! It's been an emotional and hormonal and exhausting week for me. It does not help me that I have a crap load (yep, that's my technical terminology there!) of hormones coursing through my body right now thanks to fertility drugs. It's a difficult time to be trying to focus on getting pregnant. I mean, seriously, who wants to think about fertility when you are grieving? Well, it's difficult for me because frankly, that is what I think about most of the time. I think about my biological clock and it's ticking. I think about how much I desperately want to be a Mom. I think about how we have one more month after this of first level fertility drugs and then we are going to have to do further testing. I think about how much my arms ache to hold my own child. I think about how my heart hurts at the thought of never having a child.

So, crazy is quite an understatement. Do I really think I am in control??? No, but as usual I try so hard to be in control of everything. And you know this whole fertility thing is so far out of my control that it drives me nuts. It's not just the hormones coursing through me but fear and doubt and frankly some terror too. I don't know how I will feel if we are unable to have children. I have wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl and I just cannot imagine not having children.

But without a doubt, these drugs do not help me to feel normal at all. I am so overly sensitive to things. I cry at the drop of a hat and over silly things like ASPCA commercials. My body aches and I do mean aches. It's not from the workouts either. My muscles are so sore and I can start a workout and feel like I have been at it for a couple of hours. So, all of that adds into quite a bit of frustration for me. I am trying so hard to hold everything together. None of it is in my control and some days I just want to let it all go and just forget about it. Yesterday was one of those days. I was out of work on bereavement and I come back to whole load of crap that shouldn't have been and it was so irritating. And today I felt so exhausted that I had to cancel my workout this morning and then got a ticket on the way to pick up Jason for lunch. I am pretty convinced that God must have something awesome in the works for me right now because Satan is pushing me so hard at all corners. I know I am being tested and I am just trying to stay faithful. I am trying to lean on Him because I know I am in His hands. I trust Him completely. I know there is a plan. He has promised me that. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." and Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." So, I have been  holding on to His promises and praying for His guidance and His will in my life.

So, this whole fertility thing and the fertility drugs are making me crazy! I am trying really hard to just let it all go and stop worrying about it. I do know that this will help. If I can relax (ha ha ha, me relaxed...it's funny, really it is!) and just trust God to know when the timing is right, then everything will happen just as it is supposed to. But my control freak tendencies are convinced that "I" have something to do with all that. It's laughable and I am so certain that I give God so many opportunities to laugh because I am a control freak! I am certain He would love to employ Jeremy's method for re-focusing me and tap me on the forehead repeatedly sometimes because I get so fixated on things and cannot see anything else. So, sometimes God puts people in my life that provide me with that temporal tap to re-focus and I am grateful for them.

So, am I crazy? Absolutely. It's something that makes me who I am. But some of my craziness is a result of worry and it makes me ill. So, I am going to try really hard to stop stressing over everything and just let God be God.  I am going to try and stop Satan from torturing me with doubts and frustrations and irritations. I am going to try to relax....I will let you know how that goes!!

My family has had a difficult past week. It started last Monday when my father-in-law, Beryl Parks, fell outside of Books-A-Million and broke his elbow and his hip. He was in a great deal of pain and they rushed him to the ER. Now, for those of you who are unaware, Jason's dad has been on dialysis three days a week for the past 16 years. He has had several strokes and heart attacks. He has endured and suffered through much to be with the family these past 16 years. No one in the family expected to have the past 14 years with him and over the years there have been incidents that have given us all cause to think he would not be with us much longer. None of us could have predicted that a fall would bring us to the point we are at. After Dad's fall, he had surgery on Tuesday to repair the breaks and he never recovered from the surgery. The doctors struggled to try and keep his blood pressure high enough so that he could have dialysis. He also developed MRSA while in the hospital. His poor body was desperately trying to fight the infection, heal bones and it just could not handle all of this stress. Ultimately, the doctors informed the family Thursday morning that if they did dialysis, he would code and if we did not, he would code. The family decided that Dad had certainly fought the good fight and it was time for him to go to his reward. The family gathered around him in the ICU. We told him how much we loved him and we sang songs. And he peacefully passed on to his reward.

The last couple of days have been busy with preparations and with the visitation. Today, we honored this great man. I have been honored to know him these past 9 years. He has been my friend. Some of the things I will always remember about him are his love for his wife and his family but most importantly for God. He was a faithful man of God. He and Mom raised five beautiful children who are all Christians and those children married and raised 10 Christian grandchildren. Even though Dad endured and suffered much through the past years, he was a faithful member of the church. He went as often as he could and showed and encouraged others to be faithful in their attendance in spite of great difficulties.

One thing that I have heard repeatedly over the past week since Dad's fall was that he was in God's hands. Truth be told, he has been in God's hands for a long time. We all firmly believe that each moment we had with him was a gift. We are all so thankful that he has been rewarded. We are comforted to know that he is no longer suffering or in pain. And during our celebration of his life today, we sang beautiful songs and read his favorite scriptures. It was a beautiful and touching service that truly reflected him. He would not have wanted a service that talked about him. Instead, he would have wanted a service that told others about the love he had from God. He wanted others to know Jesus.

Today, we have each reminded one another "This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24). As much as we grieve the loss of this great man, we celebrate this day that we had the time we had with him. We celebrate that he is home. We celebrate the love that he taught us. And we thank God for the blessing of knowing him and having him in our lives because he has truly touched all those who knew him.

We were asked to think of some words that describe him for a marker for his grave and we have come up with some great words. Here is a sampling of them:  Christian, Courageous, Patriarch, Character, Inventive, Creative, Unpredictable, Learning, Faithful

Beryl Parks was a man who could make you laugh in a second. He had an unpredictable sense of humor that bubbled out of him and is seen in each of his boys and their humor. He was a man of great intelligence and was always learning. I cannot count the things that he studied or that he discussed. I always found him to be pure genius and felt very uneducated in his presence because he just knew so much. There is an African proverb that says "When an old man dies, a library burns down." Well, Dad left a huge library behind but there was a wealth of information that goes with him. I will miss his mischievious grin and his crazy jokes. I will miss his gentle manner and the way he made Mom smile. Mostly, I will miss walking in his home and seeing him in his recliner and knowing that he was there. He was a presence in our lives and we will all feel the absence of him. But we know Whom he believed and we are so very comforted to know he is home.

One of his classmates informed us of the caption that was after his name in his high school yearbook and I feel it is quite fitting. "And still they gazed and still the wonder grew, That one small head could carry all he knew."

So, my heart breaks for my husband and our family. I ache knowing that Mom is without the love of her life. My heart breaks for my sweet husband who will miss his Dad so very much.  I hurt knowing that Jason and I may bring children into the world who will never get to sit in their Pappaw's lap. But I rejoice at the fact that I knew him and loved him and he loved me. I rejoice to know that there is so much of Beryl's greatness in my husband and that I will be able to tell our children all about those traits that come directly from their grandfather who would've adored them!

Thank you Dad for the best gift I have ever had...your precious baby son, Jason. Thank you for loving him and teaching him and bringing him up in the faith. Thank you for all the lessons that you have taught us both over the years. And thank you for enduring the pain and suffering over the past years to be with us. We will miss you and we will honor you and we will see you soon.

Wow...I am a horrible stretcher. I really stink at it!!! I so need to get better at it too! I really need to learn to take the time to get some good stretching in so that my muscles don't ache so much. I had a much needed massage today and yep, you guessed it...Jeremy was not happy with the fact that I have not been stretching well. I have been having some pain in my right knee and ankle. I slipped on the ice when I was in VA and I know that caused some of the discomfort. But I also have not been taking the appropriate amont of time to stretch out my hamstrings or claves or well, any of my muscles! So, Jeremy was disappointed in me :( And you know what that means...my relaxing massage turned into a painful experience...particularly when he was working my right leg and the chest area. I will admit that I absolutely stink at stretching the chest area...I won't even pretend that I am getting anywhere close to the amount of stretching I should do when it comes to the chest.

So, maybe my resolution should be to be a better stretcher this year so that my muscles will get some relief! I realize that I do depend on Jeremy for relieving the extra aches and pains that I have. That's probably not the worst thing but I really should do a better job of stretching my muscles out. I am going to work on it. I am going to try to plan to have at least 15-30 minutes of stretching post-workout. That's my goal. If I don't do my stretching at the gym, then I will do my stretching video. Yeah, I know, I really have very little reason to not get some stretching in! I am going to be a better stretcher from now on.

I probably will not end up being perfect at stretching. But, to be honest, I can't get much worse at it! And this will mean that my relaxing massage might actually be relaxing instead of painful! I do expect the deep tissue massages to be a bit painful, but the relaxing ones should just be nice and simple and maybe even make me tired!

Today, I could barely open my water bottle after my massage! Of course, I was trying to open it with my left hand and perhaps there was a little lotion still on my hands. I teased Jeremy that he broke something :) But nope, he fixes my problems...he may have to cause a bit of pain, but it always ends up feeling good afterwards. So, I guess I can't complain.

Anyways, I do so look forward to my massages! Jeremy does an amazing job of always making me feel better. And if I become a better stretcher, then that will only make things more perfect!

So, today was pretty awesome. Jason and I went to church this morning. Afterwards we headed home and got lunch ready. Tye was coming over to help Jason do some yard work. We had a yummy meal of filet mignon, salad, baked potato and for dessert, peanut butter fudge pie. Ok, I admit I had a piece of pie...it was just plain amazing!!! So not good for me, but I think I will consider it my cheat meal this week! It was so worth it though!

Anyways, Tye and Jason got started and then there was some issue with the chainsaw. And then Tye had to run out to help another friend who was moving. So, Jason and I resolved the chainsaw issue...by getting him an electric one that doesn't have as many issues as the gas powered one. It was a good purchase choice and we'll use it in two weeks when we are in Virginia.

So, while the boys were doing yard work, I was getting my massage! I am so thankful that I get to go in and have these done. And this one was a huge well-deserved massage! I have been working so hard the past two weeks and my muscles are so sore and achy! Jeremy is a great massage therapist...I told him today that I talk about him and his magic hands all the time. He said no one has ever told him he has magic hands...but I stand by the statement! He has magic hands and does an amazing job of fixing all the crazy things I do to my poor body! So, he is a keeper!

I told him he was going to be mad at me because I had not been a good stretcher and that I had not done my homework from last time (more stretching for my chest, back, abs and hamstrings). He laughed and said I couldn't fail something I hadn't even attempted! He picks on me so bad!! Truthfully, I did try a couple of the stretches he told me to do and I did stretch last week...it was just a crazy week and stretching was not my priority. However, I have a new assignment...I am to stretch my calves and hamstrings. The hamstrings are going to be some partner stretches with Tye to try and loosen them up a bit.

The original plan was for us to do some work with my abs to get to some muscles in my back and thigh area that are connected in the ab area, but that didn't quite work out today. I woke up with a horrible pain in my neck. I couldn't seem to get rid of it at all. I tried all afternoon but every time I turned my head to the right it was painful. So, we spent quite a bit of time trying to work that out. There were some horrible knots in my back too and to be honest, there was some pain as he was fixing it. But we had a good time laughing and joking which helps me to try and stay as relaxed as possible.

Then again, this is me we are talking about, I am just not a very relaxed person...I am a control freak! Yeah, we had a few issues. Jeremy jokes and says that I spend too much time working out that I don't know how to relax! I think that I am okay as long as I know what is about to happen but if you try to move my body in a way that I don't expect, I tense up. So, we laughed a couple of times about me and my control issues! Then he started tapping me on my forehead to make me relax and do what he needed me to do. It made me laugh and we got through pretty well. I am not sure he has that type of relationship with any of his other clients. He told me today I am his favorite client :) And I told him that I think he is pretty amazing!!

After our massage, we discussed what I needed to work on. He was super excited with me about my new body fat composition! He told me he was still so shocked by looking at my before picture and now. He's a great encouragement to me! And I love the fact that even though I am not totally happy with how my body looks (I hate the skin in my abdominal area...unless I have surgery to remove it, I am stuck with it for awhile), he is not only sympathetic but encouraging and tells me I have nothing to worry about it. I told him it just makes me really uncomfortable, but I am willing to allow him to do what he needs to do in order to help my body stay in shape. He also noted that with the change of the training that my muscles are getting more toned! I had thought so too, but it's nice when someone else notices it.

So, my homework is to do some partner stretching which Tye and I agree to incorporate into our Wednesday workouts since they are the less intense ones. And then I need to do some more calf stretches and keep up the stretching on the rest of the body. It's going to be more difficult to do that when I am in Virginia over Thanksgiving, but I am sure going to try! I know the better I am at doing my stretching, the more flexible I will be and the better my body will feel!

So, it was a pretty nice day. I came home to find that Tye and Jason had done an excellent job takng out the diseased bushes and one of the trees. And I felt pretty relaxed and totally prepared to continue chilling out for a bit!! My future plans will be a shower in a little while...sleep :)

Tomorrow, I get to try out my new running shoes during training with Tye! It is going to be crazy and intense!! I am also working tomorrow. And I will be delivering James some pie and filet mignon :) Tomorrow is going to be a pretty great day too :)

He also told me some really good information. I shouldn't wear my running shoes on the days that I am just doing strength training or core work. On the days that I am running, then I wear them. Apparently I have been wearing my shoes out faster because I wear them for everything. So, by doing this, I should be able to extend the life of my running shoes! I admit, the experience of buying these shoes really made me feel like a real runner.

Training was really intense today. Tye pushed me hard and I barely survived, but it was a great workout. To follow that up, I had the pleasure of cardio. Oddly enough, I have just recently learned more about using my heart rate to calculate how I am doing on my cardio. I never really paid too much attention to it, except to make sure it stayed above 130. But really I always focused on how quickly I could complete a mile or doing intervals. My target heart rate is 138-150 for fat burning cardio. So, I have really been focusing on keeping my heart rate in that range while I am doing cardio. I admit trying to do that the entire hour after my intense workout with Tye was hard, but I did it. I have been trying to stay super-focused and to work really hard for Tye. He was pleased with workout today and said I have been performing where he expected me to be. I am really blessed to have such an amazing trainer.

Other than that, I went to visit my friend James for lunch...mostly because I can sit down choose a meat and he knows what sides I like and I don't have to think :) Yep, I am just that lazy! But it works for me and I am always surprised by what my sides are :) Also, Jason was enjoying a very yummy (but calorie and carb-laden) lunch with his parents. After lunch, I got shoes :) Then, I did a little shopping and then grocery shopping. Jason and I grabbed a yummy dinner at Olive Garden tonight.

Tye is coming over to help Jason with some yardwork tomorrow. I promised him a yummy lunch of filet mignon (perfectly marinated!), loaded baked potatoes, and salads. I also made the most amazing pie for lunch tomorrow...it is a peanut butter fudge pie. I cannot wait to see how it turns out :) The boys are going to LOVE it!!! And I love Nicole for giving me such awesome recipes :)

Also, I chatted with Jess today and we set a date for rock climbing...Dec. 2nd...Tye's and my one year anniversary of training together! So, yep, that will end up being our training session that day because there is no way I am going to pass up an opportunity to get out there and climb and Jess is available. So, it will be amazing and awesome and fun :) I cannot wait!!

And I am so thrilled to be going to see Jeremy tomorrow for a massage!! He's not going to be very happy with me because I have been a very bad stretcher this week and my muscles are super-achy. But he will fix it all up for me :) His magic hands will take care of all the muscle aches and pains. And hopefully, he won't yell at me too much (he never yells...he just gives me this really disappointed look and it's killer!) I am going to try and do my stretching video tonight and hope that it helps out a lot. Maybe I should stretch again in the morning and that could really give me a bit more help and make my body a bit less achy!

That's about it for the day. I am tired but I feel great! It's been an awesome weekend so far and tomorrow is going to be great too!